Valentine's Day- think declarations of love, flowers, hearts and dinner dates. The festival supposedly epitomises romance and all that comes with it, a celebration of couples that has been honoured since the times of Ancient Rome's 'Lupercalia' fertility rite. But has Valentine's Day really got it right about love? In this post, I want to explore the idea that love can exist beyond the traditional romantic relationships society advertises to us as a life goal; if you want something a little different, or you are seeking validation for your own definition of love, then hopefully you can reclaim Valentine's through these books!
Women Don't Owe You Pretty by Florence Given
This is probably the most empowering non-fiction book I have ever picked up. Although I haven't read it cover-to-cover, so I can't say that I agree with every single one of Florence Given's opinions, I absolutely love the overall message of finding self-worth and self-confidence by subverting patriarchal values that serve to further internalised misogynistic narratives, all in the context of 21st century intersectional feminism.
There is so much to unpick about this book (I will probably revisit it in future posts!), but the sections that I feel are most relevant for Valentine's are the chapters about self-love and reclaiming female bodies for ourselves, not as objects for straight male satisfaction. As a young woman, these passages felt like a visceral reminder that going into adulthood, I am my own person, a message that I think often gets lost in the haze of the latest trends telling us how we need to look, exist and feel. I consume quite a lot of feminist writing, and it's easy to forget when you step back into societal systems just how rife misogyny still is, and how ingrained the perception of women only existing to fulfil male desires can be.
I also loved that Florence Given gives readers the opportunity to heal their relationships with their own bodies, reminding us that loving ourselves isn't just vital for us, but for maintaining healthy relationships with those around us, whether they are friends or life partners. In 'Women Don't Owe You Pretty', feminism isn't just equal rights, it is about redefining what it means to be a woman through a lens of compassion and empowerment, all in the name of love.
Celebrating Valentine's Day Florence Given-style looks like surrounding yourself with those who fill your cup, and breaking away from societal constructs which only serve to oppress you in order to grow into your most authentic, confident self. She reminds us that being single can be an act of empowerment, and that dating yourself is a beautiful act of feminist defiance. This book has challenged some of my own perceptions, and has reminded me that my self-worth isn't tied to arbitrary and outdated systems; reading 'Women don't owe you pretty' is the best way to reclaim both yourself and Valentine's.
Loveless by Alice Oseman
'Loveless', for me, was a powerful declaration of the fact that love is not limited to romantic or sexual attraction, and actually doesn't have to mean either of these things at all. The narrative follows university student Georgia as she begins to explore asexual and aromantic identities, moving towards self-acceptance and a different kind of true love.
The thing that I loved most about this book was the way that Alice Oseman captured the nuance of finding yourself; Georgia's inner voice and thought processes as she gradually explores and settles into her identity made this aspect of the book work so well for me, as I think many people would connect with such a powerful journey towards self-acceptance, whether they are aro/ace or not. Although I can't directly relate to Georgia's experiences, 'Loveless' encouraged me to find self-compassion when I wasn't feeling how I thought I should be feeling about certain things in my life.
The conversations around the value of platonic love were beautiful, and made me stop and think about how the idea of love that society presents us with excludes so much. 'Loveless' completely yet quietly subverts all of our preconceptions about what we 'should' be feeling, and in doing so, makes the reader question all of the love they might be allowing to pass them by in favour of complying with the milestone of finding a life partner. Alice Oseman presents a definition of love which focuses on finding a group of people who understand and accept you for who you are, honouring your own feelings and life path whilst sticking together with them no matter what happens, which makes for a really poignant reading experience.
I think almost anyone would be able to find an element of this book which speaks to them; it would make a great Valentine's gift to a friend to show them just how much they mean to you!
The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller
'The Song of Achilles' is one of the most beautiful, powerful and human books that I have ever read. I have not been able to stop thinking about the way this novel captured my heart, with its poetic voice which is somehow not heavy-going yet remains thoughtful and profound throughout. The narrative is told from the perspective of Patroclus, a relatable and awkward prince who has been exiled to the court of King Peleus. He befriends Peleus's son, Achilles, who is everything that Patroclus is not; the rest of the book follows their journey as the two young men develop a bond which transcends either of their understandings, walking the path to their respective destinies in the Trojan War.
The mythological element may put some people off at first, but what Madeline Miller does by making the classics accessible is provide the reader with a rich context in which the questions of what it is to be human, to love and to lose can be explored in so much more depth and with much more clarity than it may be possible to do with all of the additional distractions of a modern context. The voice of Patroclus is haunting and compelling; I recognised parts of myself in his at times excruciating awkwardness as a teenager cast out by his peers and confused by all-consuming emotions, I loved spending time with him as a narrator.
One of the aspects of this book which really stood out to me was the writer's choice to make Patroclus an observer. Often the protagonists with this role are secondary characters, but by making Patroclus the narrator, Madeline Miller shows that quieter people without a grand destiny can still tell their own stories. Patroclus's perspective made Achilles feel so much more human, and subverted the glamorous and heroic context that the Trojan War is so often discussed in. Having Patroclus observe Achilles amplifies his love in way which allows the reader to gain a sense of just how deep Patroclus's feelings for him really are; his position as an observer brings the nuance of his emotional turmoil regarding who Achilles has become versus who he once was to the fore of the narrative in a subtly poignant way.
The same-sex love story between himself and Achilles was really tender, but also had an undercurrent of sadness- in finding each other, they help the other find himself and grow as a person in a way which ends up presenting them with the choice of sacrificing their own dreams to be with the other, or letting him go. The fear of losing each other due to their very different morals and destinies actually made the relationship feel very current and real; it made for a breathlessly emotional read.
The ending remains probably my favourite ever conclusion to a book; without giving anything away, I think that it added so much more meaning to the previous part of the narrative, so much so that I wished I could re-read the book from the start knowing what happened!
'The Song of Achilles' is almost definitely a book I will revisit in future posts (sorry in advance if it's not for you!), but I the reason I chose it as a Valentine's pick is because it has all the hallmarks of a romance novel for those who want something a bit more traditional in that sense; its overall message, though, is a reminder of our own hubris, and a call to not let the promise of fame and legacy get in the way of being with the ones we love. It also reminds us to find and love ourselves, instead of relying on someone else's metaphorical light to make us shine too. If you haven't already read this book, I would thoroughly recommend it, as I think many people will find a deep connection with both the story and the protagonists.
Those are my three book recommendations to redefine Valentine's Day; let me know on my bookstagram, @bookishly_ella, what your go-to Valentine's Day reads are, and if you will be trying any discussed here!
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